Many of us who have worked in the service industry know that it takes a special kind of person to deal with rude people day in and day out, in what is widely regarded as a thankless job bereft of any real intrinsic value. If you’re a waiter at Applebee’s in some boring-ass rich white-bread suburb, you’re not exactly doing God’s work. Unless that is, you’re putting crushed glass particles into some shithead’s Cajun chicken pasta. That’s like giving God a layup. But I digress…
Any of my comrades in the IT field know that this job is as thankless as it gets. Not only are you considered to be a cost center rather than a revenue generator, but you are constantly asked to do more with less, amongst other things. As if that weren’t enough, on a daily basis you’re being shit on by anyone who knows as much about how to use their computer as they know about how to not use the speakerphone in the middle of a cube farm to inquire about nail caps for their cat.
“What do you mean I got a virus on my computer? How could I download a virus if I was on YOUR NETWORK?!?!?! Don’t we have a firewall and stuff, GOD”
That said, I think we’ve all dealt with the occasional IT/tech support who is a complete prick. If you haven’t yet, you will. These types of people are *usually* good at what they do - and they’ll let you know all about it while completely stripping you of whatever human dignity you had left, leaving you with a feeling in your gut about as empty as Whitney Houston’s voided bowels*.
Oh, okay, sorry. Michael Jackson’s voided bowels. Happy now?
Anyway, we’re going to describe 3 types of each of these shitmongers. These are people I have personally dealt with in my 12-year career in IT, across many organizations and many industries.
Asshole IT Guy 1: The Braggart
This is an IT person who may very well fix the problem you need to have fixed, if only they would stop patting themselves on the back long enough to do so.
“You know, I work with Debian Linux all the time. This is such an easy problem to debug, but of course it’s easy to me, because I remember one time there was this particularly hard problem where I haZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
Asshole IT Guy 2: The “Oh, just do _______” guy
The scene: You call your helpdesk because you have a problem with your screen.
Helpdesk: This is Bruce, can I help you?
You: Hi, my monitor’s not working.
Helpdesk: Okay, just turn it on.
You: Well…. it’s on. The green light is on, the screen’s blank.
Helpdesk: Well, just reboot and it’ll be fine.
You: Uhhh, I did reboot, and it’s not.
Helpdesk: Alright, well if you’d just install the latest network drivers you’ll be fine. Just go on the internet and find those drivers.
You: My….. screen….. is….. blank.
Helpdesk: Sir, just go on the internet and find those drivers, thank you and don’t forget to take our survey *click*
You: ::MASSIVE ANEURYSM::
Everything is “just do _____” with this piece of human garbage. The only way I know to counter this type of tactic is to make sure you have two lists handy: one being a list of troubleshooting steps you’ve already tried. The other list would be ways you’re going to make this miserable son of a bitch suffer after you’ve jumped his sorry ass in the supply closet.
rifle big enough to destroy Tatooine.
Asshole IT Guy 3: The Tough Guy
Watch out, we’ve got a tough guy here! This guy’s got administrative rights and he ain’t afraid to use ‘em! You pissed him off by storing 1.1GB of documents in your home directory, but your quota is at 1GB. So guess what he did to teach you a lesson? He deleted that directory and then all of your other directories that had data in them, anywhere else in the company. That’ll show you, jerkass! So what are you gonna do, buddy? Oh yeah, you can’t do anything, because you’re not the ADMIN! Oooooh! That’s right, tough guy right here!
This pantload was just a miserable failure at life from the start. Being dropped at birth and beat up all through school culminates in his now being beaten by his wife at home. It all manifests here in the form of him being your digital daddy, because hey, at the end of the day it’s not like you’re going to dump scalding hot Spaghetti-O’s all over him when he asks you to please get him a fork. No sir, that’s the job of the absolute behemoth that he married just to convince his parents that he wasn’t gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
What else can you do to this complete disgrace of a man other than, as you pass by each other in the hall, make a quick lunge in his direction, convincingly enough so that you can see his pupils constrict and hear him literally shitting himself.
This is all by no means a comprehensive list, but these are people who I’ve had the displeasure of dealing with personally.
Next up: The 3 Types of Asshole End-Users.
Au revoir, freaks.
*full credit to steddie-patches-stringer-von-bule