I’m not a writer, by any stretch of the imagination. I have no idea how to construct a good story. Ask anyone who knows me well; I tell the worst stories, and any sort of joke that stretches beyond 5 sentences is going to be a miserable disappointment. Stand-up comedy won’t be my lot in life, so whatever, I’m not losing sleep over it.
Recently, I signed up for the writing workshop at Cracked.com, thinking, “hey, I’m moderately funny, I can write for these guys no problem!” You see, Cracked does have a staff of regular writers, but they pop out articles like Michelle Duggar launches kids out of her baby cannon; thus, they pay regular Joes and even regular Mikes to come up with new ideas and articles to display on their front page. The editors and even some of their best writers draw open the curtains on what makes their articles work: Write an introduction that’s funny and/or clever; Keep your references timely; Cite your sources; and so on, and so forth. ”Well, what’s the problem,” you ask? Simple: in the process of creating an article, the joke you’re shooting for is vetted thoroughly by an unending cadre of editors, staff writers and regular writers (even people aspiring to write an article like me). At the end of the process, as a writer, your joke has been beaten, bloodied, and maimed beyond belief.
Such is the life of anyone who writes anything for public consumption, or so I’m told by my smart friends who actually do write for a living. Not wanting to subject myself to the brutality of a process that, for me, sucks the funny out of jokes by over-analysis, I did what any enterprising young gent would do - I started my own portal of inanity. Actually, most of the enterprising young gents I know actually might have started a business or focused their energy on something more worthwhile, but hey, what the hell do I know?
In closing, Cracked is a fine website, one I’ll continue to read every day. Their process for bringing an article to the publishing stage is what I imagine to be typical of any editorial process; it’s just not for me. Thus, now you’re stuck with the unedited inner workings of my unused brain. I figure, if I’m going to be told I’m unfunny or something I’ve written sucks and I should just off myself already, then it should at least be a friend or acquaintance*. So I hope you will enjoy my blatant format rip-off of Cracked. Feedback is encouraged.
*by the way, if any of you do tell me this, you’re dead to me and you can fuck off forever